Living through the End of the World II

Our End of the World Survival 101 continues with HER version. If you have the patience to follow me to the end (of this post, not of the world), you’ll most likely agree that women get a better deal when the apocalypse comes.
For once, you’ll have more choices. One—and probably the one you’re hoping for—is that you are the stunning beauty + nuclear scientist who’s a perfect genetic match to the Achilles in the first installment. Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen. If you’re both so perfect, you will have reached a genetic dead end. There’s nowhere for you to evolve, so probably you won’t even be able to breed. That’s why mother nature will go with this model:



But don’t despair! Here’s your chance to pig out, as you’ll need those fat reserves. Let’s see what fashion models have to say when you’ll be comfortably living off the fat stored during months of entirely pleasurable eating.
Another chance would be given to you if you are the future mother of some great hero. I only have empirical knowledge here, so all I can say is that you need moderately good looks and nothing special. YOU are not special, but your offspring will be. Especially if his father looks like Will Smith and acts like the characters played by Will Smith.
The last possibility I’m going to discuss here is you being slightly overweight and generally not noticeable. However, all you need is to take off your glasses, change into designer clothes and put on some make up, and you’re Jessica Alba. Of course, designer clothes, high quality make up and make-over counselors will be widely available (free of charge) during the end of the world. As you can see, there’s absolutely nothing to worry about here. The more insignificant you feel now, the more chances you have to be the last woman standing. And talking about procreation, in scientific terms, to be sure, here’s what nature has prepared for you:

Living through the End of the World

It’s been raining these days in Japan like the deluge (I’m talking mythological here) is coming. I mean, it’s just not normal to have, at this time of the year, one feebly sunny day every other week. And a volcano erupted in Iceland, creating an ash cloud which may be seen as romantic—you know, obscurity, raining on a Sunday, nothing to do outdoors—if we didn’t consider that such an ash cloud is supposed to have led to the extinction of dinosaurs. As my grandmother would put it, “The end of the world is coming, I’m telling you.”
So, what do you do if it’s the end of the world? Get rich, of course. And the easiest way to get rich is to write one of those self-improvement + DIY books. Here’s ours, about how to cope with the end of the world.
First, it’s much easier if you’re a woman. If you’re a man, an ordinary man with no superpowers or the skills to take apart a spaceship and put it back in less than 10 minutes, you’ve got zero chances. Unless you’re terribly funny and you get to live so that you could bring the actual hero back to his senses (after he has heroically saved the world) with a witty line at the end of the movie. To which the actual hero would reply with an even wittier line and you would realize that in fact it’s you who’s dying, a shard from Louvre’s glass pyramid artistically sticking out of your chest.
And even if you are the hero. Let’s say you have the looks, the brains and the muscular structure, and the jaw line. Come on, who am I kidding? Nobody has them all. Even Achilles had a weak heel. If you’re still alive, it’s probably because your father was a billionaire and you had wisely hidden in one of his impenetrable shelters, right behind the Ferrari and the shelf with the pickle jars. Well, wise guy, who do you think is going to be your partner for life? Whom do you think you’ll have to re-create the humankind with?
Science tells us that slim, narrow-hipped and flat-chested (surgical enhancements do not count here) females are not exactly fit for procreation. They may be ideal for the process, but nature is interested in the results. Productivity is the key word here. Needless to say, nature will save the female most likely to have lots of offspring. If you want to know how she (aka, your future spouse) looks like, look at some of the prehistoric artifacts or at any of Rubens’ paintings.
I’d say you’ve got a tough one, guys!



To be continued with HER version of Survival Tips.